Ok – this is the 3rd place I’ve seen this article linked so it’s time I commented. (IT People are From Mars: Why Your Marriages are from Hell or Headed there)
The article is based on an online questionaire on an IT site that 11 men and 1 woman responded to concerning what folks would like their spouse to know about their job.
Results:
1. I don’t want to discuss the details of my workday when I get home.
2. Don’t call me at work unless it’s an emergency.
3. If I don’t return your phone call, it’s not because I’m mad at you/don’t love you. It’s because I’m busy.
4. IT management is not a 9-to-5 job. It’s complicated, demanding and stressful.
5. I’m not a tech support person, and I can’t fix all of the family’s home technology problems, especially when I’m at work. I spend my time on strategic issues and networking with other C-level executives.
There then follows advice about how to make your spouse feel better about your job.
Dr. Helen and House of Erasthones both spend their posts defending men and how they communicate and how they always get the short end of the shaft.
Say the husband was calling home for some spousal care on the phone in the middle of three of the kids having a temper tantrum. Do you think anyone would be sympathetic to his plight and blame the wife for her communication mistakes? I rather doubt it.
wah, wah.
I’m going to do my standard…..”what a stupid article….why are you people responding to it”…post.
Number 1, twelve people in an online forum will never be representative of anything so this is as idiotic as the stuff you read in women’s magazines.
But lets say they are representative.
1. ” I don’t want to talk about work.” I find it incredibly hard to believe that anyone other than fellow IT people would want to talk about work with you. Is it ‘work talk’, or ‘no talk at all’ in regards to talking for you? If so, you have bigger problems and yes, you might want to work on that. Else – why on earth did you want to marry?
2. “Don’t call me unless it’s an emergency.” That advice is universal. My incredibly girly hair dresser has an incredibly manly husband (construction) who calls her every time I’m there getting my hair cut. Why? “What is there to eat? Where is the extra toilet paper? Which kid am I supposed to pick up?”
I would be VERY interested in looking at an actual study of who calls who in a non-emergency because I suspect, it’s about even based on the people I know.
3. “If I don’t return your phone call, it’s not because I’m mad at you/don’t love you. It’s because I’m busy.” That follows from number two.
IF a person only calls during an emergency, THEN it’s far more likely you’ll get called back in a timely fashion.
4. “IT management is not a 9-to-5 job. It’s complicated, demanding and stressful.” I suspect your spouse already knows that. And your spouse’s job is also complicated/demanding/stressful to her/him.
5. “I’m not support”…..the advice in the article IS helpful here. You may not be online support but if the choice is call online support and deal with them or ask my spouse in the hopes that he/she will know the answer, guess what anyone will choose? A little compassion please.
The advice given – basically communicate more, give the spouse a LITTLE of what they are asking for or even preempt what they are asking for is not unsound marital advice for both sides!
Yes, men and women communicate differently and the advice giver, a man, was basically under the impression that “the little lady” at home needs extra attention/affection/human contact. And that the IT man of the house is a fully formed human being who’s brain is so highly developed that he can take care of the little lady if only he’d focus a small amount of his massive energy on her. The dude is living in delusionville but he’s who the article went to for advice.
Each individual person is different. I’m not sure why I need to keep reiterating it, but yes Dr. Helen, women put up with crap also. Some men call throughout the day for nothing. Some men will not make their own sandwich for lunch no matter how busy their wife is.
You can “poor men” me til the cows come home and I’ll give you further examples of how men pigeon hole women in the same way that women pigeon hole men. We’re all rotten and we label each other and don’t talk through those labels. I’m surprised anyone gets married ever.
I suspect it has to do with alcohol.
Bottom line is – if you want to marry, then marry someone you can talk through things with and be a little willing to do the work it takes to keep that relationship in that state throughout the marriage. Both of you!
Even when communications means “Sorry – I can’t communicate right now”
For some reason you (whether in IT or not) decided this other person would improve your life – surely you didn’t expect that being with another living breathing soul with opinions/requirements/wants of their own that may or may not coincide with your own would be easy??
(Said with all the wisdom of a woman who has not taken the leap because frankly I’m not so communicative myself!)
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